A silent delivery room… This was not the dream delivery I had imagined those 24 weeks prior. September 10,2011… Will forever be the most haunting, devastating day of my life… The day my little baby boy was delivered premature, and was a stillborn. His heart had stopped beating, and my heart was in pieces. The emotion impact, loneliness.. Was so much to take that at times I too wish I had of went with him. Lord knows how many times I prayed, and how many nights I cried… Just begging God to bless me with a baby to help heal my empty, achy arms that my sleeping Angel was meant to fill. I remember trying so hard to have another baby, it almost felt like at times it just wasn’t meant to be. The saying “God has a perfect time and place,” could not have been more true. Because just when I gave up all hope of ever having another baby… We were blessed with finding out that, that August we would be welcoming a new little baby. Our hearts could not have been more happy! Weeks past, and Dr appointments came and went.. Things were going so extremely well, we could have never asked for more. Then the day for our 18 week fetal ultrasound came. Overwhelmed and so anxious, the thought of finding out what your little baby that’s growing within you… Is a feeling that so many words can describe…I was so happy, I think I was jumping around in my seat while we waited to be called back. Finally… What seemed like forever, it was our time. Laying on the little bed next to the Ultrasound machine; my husband and our daughter by my side. The nurse began to scan around, our little baby bouncing all around, sucking his hands and thumbs. Everything was going as well as we had hoped. “Would you like to know what your having!?” She asked. Without a doubt we all three said “YES!” “Congratulations… It’s a little boy!” But almost as soon as we were celebrating, our celebration came to a hault when the nurse froze on our son heart. With a look of concern, she put her hand on my arm and said, “I’m sorry, I’ll be right back. Something is not right, and we need the Doctor to take a look.” She walked out of the room… And it was like all the happiness k came here with, we’re all gone within seconds. Tears streaming down my face, I couldn’t help but wonder..”is my baby going to die? Are we going to have to bury another precious baby?” How would I make it through this again? There was just no way my body would be able to go through it again… How can this be happening again? The Doctor came in, and he could see that we were upset. As he began to examine what was wrong, he turned to us to say, “Your baby heart is very under developed, I’m not sure what exactly, but it’s something major and concerning. I’m sending you to a high risk Doctor in Louisville. I am sorry guys, but please know we will do all we possibily can.” Our hearts drifted out of our bodies, we were numb… And clueless as to what to expect our baby had going on, and what he would be going through. Why is this happening? So many questions fluttered through my head. It was like everytime I would get down and depressed thinking of the what ifs.. Our little baby boy would kick, almost to someway be saying “it’s going to be okay!” In the meantime, to help get our minds off of the bad news, we searched for the perfect name for our little boy. One that would be unique, a strong name with a beautiful meaning. Of course we went through hundreds before I came across the name; Jasper. The meaning behind it was, One of God’s beautiful treasures. I knew instantly that was my baby name. Because even with all the negative, I knew this baby was going to be a special gift from God.. Someway, somehow.. Our little baby was going to be something very special. Jasper Aaron. Our Own little treasure handmade by God. Our appointed at the high risk doctor finally came, and he broke the news to us that our little Jasper had what’s known as Congenital Heart Defects. At that time only one CHD could be seen, but he said he knew there was more than one. As we began to be upset, the Doctor went on to tell us that our baby would be born very sick, and that open heart surgery would be needed very soon after birth. As he proceeded, he told us one of the defects, the one he saw at that time (Av Canal,) most of the time meant the baby would be born with Down syndrome… Then asked the question no expecting parent wants to ever hear, “Would you like to terminate this pregnancy?” Terminate? For what? Because he was going to be born sick? As if he had a choice in the matter? How could we take The life away from something so innocent? All because of the fact he was going to be born so sick… Without a doubt we both with tears in our eyes said, “no, no matter what, we will love this baby come what may.” The months between were such a blur, with dozens of dr appOintments, meetings with neonatologist… It was all so unreal. With Foctors telling us to expect the worse when Jasper was born.. To them telling us that when our baby was delivered, he would not cry, don’t expect to see or touch him, he will be blue… It was hard to stay positive when so much negativity swarmed us. But through it all, I prayed. I prayed that whatever may come, for it to be God will… And for peace in knowing this. Pushing the negative away, I built my faith and hope so strong that I knew deep within my heart… My son was going to be born and prove to the doctors that they do not have the last say! Two months before my due date, I was transported to Louisville Hospital to be admitted, and to wait until our sweet Jasper decided to arrive. Week by week, I grew bigger (and yes I was miserably large,) I watched my little guy grow and grow through ultrasounds… And with a few scares in between.. We made it to week 38! August 30, 2011… Oh what a beautiful, joyful, amazing day that will forever be etched within my memories. I can still remember being so nervous I was crying as I walked to the OR, I was so nervous I was shaking… But the thought of meeting this little baby, the baby I know God himself spent extra time making.. I just couldn’t wait! Then there was a cry.. I was so confused because the Doctors told us to not expect to hear a cry… So this can’t be our baby!? The cry was so loud it filled the room that had a total of 12 nurses, 2 neonatologist, a cardiologist, my high risk dr, his nurses, plus my husband… With a look of shock on everyone’s face.. Our baby had arrived, and was letting us all know it too! That cry was music to my ears, from our previous experience.. That cry was a prayer come true! I could hear the nurses saying “wow! He looks so good!” “Look how big he is!” And “look at all that hair!” My eyes were pouring out tears. Lookin g over I watched as the nurses brought our sweet Jasper over to my husband, as they placed him in his arms.. My husband began to cry. He kept looking at Jasper, and finally he laid Jasper across my chest. As his eyes met mine, and instant bond was made. He looked me in the eyes, with the most serious look… With eyes so filled with wisdom, at only five minutes old, I knew he was a fighter. He was perfectly pink, with a hand and foot that was blue. He was perfect… Everything and more than I could had ever imagined him being. Lord what a blessing this baby was to us… He had help mend our broken hearts. Our perfect gift from God. In the NICU, a team of DRs were waiting for Jaspe, to look over and determine just what all was going on with this little baby. With plans of a very sick baby coming, they were blown away with the baby that had arrived. Looking over Jasper, the found that he had more wrong with him than they first had thought. Diagnosing him with: •Transposition Of The Great Arteries •Single Ventricle •Dextrocardia •Unbalanced Av Canal •ASD As well as his kidneys being fused together and in the shape of a horseshoe. With a list of problems, they doctors told us they didn’t understand how a baby with so much wrong with its heart could be doing so well… And not needing any assistance from any machines. They kept telling us what a true miracle he was. Each day while in the NICU, Jasper grew into a big warrior.. To be so small, and tiny.. He was braver than most adults including myself! With determination, Jasper wasn’t going to give up! And he continue to shock Doctors. 7 days old his Cardiothorasic surgeon decided it would be best to do Jasper first open heart surgery; PA Banding. (This was to go in and place a rubber like band around Jasper Pulmonary artery to help restrict the huge amount of blood going into his lungs.) I remember getting up super early that morning, hours before I normally would. So I could go to the NICU, to spend a little extra time with my little baby. Almost as if he knew I was coming, he was wide awake and staring at me when I got to his crib side. Rubbing my hands through his hair, he grabbed my hand and held it so tightly… I felt like it was a sign from him, saying “I got this mom.” I rocked him to sleep, and held him so tightly for hours before they would come to whisk him away to a surgery that I didn’t know if I would get him back again. Hearing the team of Doctors just around the corner… I closed my eyes, trying to hold back tears… This is it. As they took him out of my arms, the nurse could see that state I was in, and I don’t know if it was against the rules or not, or maybe she just felt it in her heart.. Either way, she decided to let my husband and me walk beside the crib into Jasper OR Holding room. Have you ever had to stare at your baby, the baby you prayed so hard for, and think that that may the last time you would see him alive? Everytime I would start to walk out, I would go back for another kiss, just one more look over before saying our “see you later.” The waiting was the hardest part, not knowing what was going on or what your baby was going through.. My stomach was in knots..as each update came through, my heart would stop. And after five hours, our little baby was done with surgery and in recovery. With another hour long wait, I didn’t know what to do.. But I knew all I wanted was to see my little baby! No matter what he may look like, all I wanted was to see him, and know he was okay! Walking through the doors into the PICU, passing by each room and seeing babies and kids hooked to moniters, or hardly seeing the child underneath. It was clear I did not like this floor, and I couldn’t wait for Jasper to be back in the NICU away from the sadness that filled this unit. Finally walking into his room, I noticed firsthand the huge tower of IV machines pumping dozens of medicines through our tiny baby, nurses surrounded him, taking temps, blood pressures, starting medicines, drawing blood.. A pathway opened to his bed.. When I walked up, the sight of my baby was so upsetting, I almost passed out, my husband had to sit because it was all too much. But for a mom, all I wanted to do was for him to hear my voice… Because I knew once he heard me, he would know o was there, and my plans on leaving never came because I stayed by his side the entire time. The first night was terrifying, his alarms kept beeping, and of course I wanted to know why. Sleep was not even a suggestion. I say in a little wooded stool beside his bed and sang to him, talked to him, prayed over him, and sometimes I just stared at this beautiful miracle I called my son. That week was very hectic, there were scares, there were some funny times (like the time they gave him his two Lasix medicines, and he peed all over me, and the nurse had to find me a pair of pants because I wouldn’t leave his side.) as moniter by moniter came off, IV after IV came out.. The little baby I knew started to come back to me. One thing was for sure; he was a true heart warrior, one of the bravest I’d ever meet. Jasper was at Kosairs for month after birth, on September 27… We were finally able to bring our miracle home! I was so overwhelmed with so much happiness k didn’t know what to do! The ride home was slow, and cautious. But once we got home, for the first time since finding out our baby was going to be born with complex congenital heart defects, I could finally breathe. I knew come what may, God would see us through it all. It was clear that Jasper was our beautiful miracle sent straight from God. Since coming home Jasper has been through some hard times, as well as good! He has been hospitalized dozens of times, life flighted at least four times, several minor heart surgeries, and has since had two more major open heart surgeries. But come each challenge his Chds have thrown at him.. He has smiled and brave through each. Though he may be a little four year old, he is wiser than most, stronger than all, and boneless brave! Jasper lives his life happily, and continues to amaze Doctors. He soars through it all, and does not let his chds hold him back. Everyday I have with him, i am blessed. Jasper has the ability to smile, and no matter what is going on in your life, his smile is contagious and it will make you smile too. He inspires so many by his brave battle with chds. And like the saying goes,”some people dream of the day they meet their hero, I gave birth to mine.” Jasper will never be heales, and the possibility of more surgeries is always a high chance. But with God on his side, I know he was sent to this Ratth to DO BIG things.. And o can’t wait to see what they are. I love you my sweet Jasper.
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